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1.A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man Lana Turner

2.”How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell ‘BINGO!’”

3.“I want to write my own eulogy, and I want to write it in Latin. It seems only fitting to read a dead language at my funeral.” ― Jarod Kintz, I Want

4.A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.

5. “When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”